Last week, my husband and I had a pretty significant argument (yes, it happens to me, too!). It happened late at night, after I got home from work and our daughter was already sound asleep. It happened right at bedtime. My husband typically does a really great job of keeping his cool in an argument, while I’m the one who more often struggles to stay calm enough for our communication to be productive. After 20 minutes or so of discussing the problem, I reached my limit and asked for a break. I needed to take some deep breaths, regain my composure, and think about what outcome was possible that would make us both happy. The problem is, once I walked away, all I wanted to do was sleep on it. I wanted to take the night to calm down, think rationally and unemotionally about the problem in the morning, and come back to the discussion with a fresh set of eyes and renewed spirit of compromise.

Guess what, though? My husband is one of those “never go to bed angry” people. He really believes in it! So then that became a whole second argument — is it OK to sleep on it, or do we have to keep going until we get a resolution tonight?

I’m not sure where the advice “never go to bed angry” came from, but I think it’s terrible. Many of my clients come into marriage counseling and tell me that this is a rule they try to live by. I’ve even heard it in wedding vows! Sure, in a perfect world, we could find a happy resolution to every problem before it’s time to drift off together to a cuddly sleep, but in real life, that’s not always practical. It’s not ideal  to go to bed angry, but it’s also not ideal to stay up until 3:00am hashing things out and be a total zombie the next morning.

Here’s my advice: resolve your arguments before bedtime if you can. But if you get to a point where you just want to sleep on it — that’s OK!!  Just because you’re going to bed with an issue unresolved, or even feeling angry, doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner, that your relationship is doomed, or that you’re bad at arguing or negotiating. It just means that some disagreements are bigger than what can be resolved by two tired people at 11:00pm.

If you do decide to go to bed with an unresolved issue between you, here are some tips to make that happen in the healthiest way possible:

• Agree together to set the issue aside and pick it back up the next day, at a specific time. Say something like, “I don’t think we’re likely to resolve this soon, and I’d really like to get some sleep. I want to finish this discussion when both of us can give it 100%. Can we stop here and finish tomorrow after the kids go to bed?”
• Give each other a verbal and physical reminder that even though you’re angry, you still love each other. Kiss each other goodnight, say “I love you,” cuddle and spoon — whatever your normal bedtime rituals are, try and continue to do them. Your relationship is so much more than the argument you’re having, and it’s important not to lose sight of that. Staying connected in this way will also help you feel positively about your partner, whereas rolling over and fighting over the covers will just exacerbate the problem.
• Think about what emotions you’re feeling underneath the anger. I talk with my marriage counseling clients all the time about the fact that anger is a cover-up emotion that we use when we’re not able, ready, or willing to talk about the more difficult, vulnerable emotions we’re feeling underneath — things like hurt, betrayal, loneliness, or fear. If you can get in touch with that softer emotion and think about how to share that with your partner when the conversation resumes, you’ll find yourself much closer to a collaborative solution (and much closer to each other).

If done well, going to bed angry can actually be helpful in facilitating healthy, respectful communication the next day. Give it a try the next time you find yourself in the middle of a heated argument at bedtime!

Family Counseling FAQs

When tension builds in relationships or home conversations turn into arguments instead of solutions, counseling can provide meaningful support. Families don’t need to be in crisis to benefit. Many come simply to strengthen communication, repair trust, or adjust to changes in their lives. At our office, we help people work through conflict in a structured, supportive setting. We’ve seen how helpful this process can be for couples, parents, and extended family members alike. If you’re looking for Silver Spring, MD family counseling, here are answers to some of the most common questions we hear.

What Does A Family Counselor Do?

A family counselor helps guide conversations in a way that allows each person to feel heard. Rather than taking sides or assigning blame, we focus on identifying behavior patterns that may be creating tension. The counselor creates a neutral space to help people talk about their concerns, reflect on their dynamics, and work together toward more respectful and balanced relationships.

How Can Counseling Help My Family?

Family counseling Silver Springs, MD helps families understand each other better and approach conflict with more patience. Whether the issue is parenting disagreements, changes in the household, or general stress, we use relational counseling strategies to support open communication. Many families tell us that even small improvements in how they speak and listen to each other make a big difference in daily life.

When Should A Family Consider Therapy?

Families often seek therapy when the same arguments keep happening or when connection feels harder to maintain. Some come to us during major transitions, such as divorce, illness, or loss. Others reach out when emotional distance has grown or tension at home begins to affect everyday routines. If we feel stuck or disconnected, it may be the right moment to reach out to a counselor for support.

What Happens During A Family Counseling Session?

During a session, we talk through current challenges, past patterns, and communication habits. The counselor will ask questions, guide the conversation, and help each person participate. It’s not about solving everything in one visit—it’s about building a more productive way to talk and relate. Many families find that over time, these conversations become more comfortable and constructive.

Can Family Counseling Fix Communication Problems?

Yes, counseling can improve how families communicate. We introduce tools like reflective listening and boundary-setting to reduce misunderstanding and defensiveness. Whether it’s marriage and family therapy or general relationship counseling, the process helps people express themselves more clearly and respond with more empathy. This often leads to fewer arguments and stronger bonds.

Finding The Right Support For Your Family

Deciding to begin therapy is a meaningful step toward improving relationships within the family. We work with couples, parents, and multi-generational households to reduce conflict and build connections. Silver Spring family counseling is available to help your family strengthen communication and move forward with more clarity. Contact us to learn how Lindsey Hoskins & Associates can support your family’s next step.

Lindsey Hoskins provides couple, family, and individual therapy services in both our downtown Bethesda, MD and Sterling, VA offices. Call 240-752-7650 or email [email protected] to set up your first appointment or a complimentary telephone consultation.

Keywords: Couples, anger, arguing, emotions, how to fight in a healthy way