Why We Imitate The Imperfect Love We Received — And How To Choose Different
Hungarian-American psychiatrist Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy wrote poignantly about the concept of “invisible loyalties” in family therapy. Invisible loyalties are characteristics and behavior, usually those which govern or impact our relationships with ourselves and others, which are passed down through generations—not by choice, but unconsciously, and often detrimentally, as unwitting homage to those who came before. For example, a man who resented his father’s drinking or for the distance it caused in their relationship becomes an alcoholic who is distant in his own relationships. A woman who is hurt and frustrated by her mother’s criticism of her as a child grows up to harshly criticize those around her.
But why do they—and many of us—allow this to happen? Why do humans assume the very characteristics and behaviors that hurt them when they were at their most vulnerable? It seems illogical at first glance, but our psyches have their reasons: we want to absolve our parents, and other attachment figures, of the choices they made that hurt us; we want to normalize and minimize the pain we experienced in order to absolve them; most earnestly, we want to feel close to them, we want to feel loved by them, we want to feel worthy of them, we want to be accepted and positively regarded. So, we become what we despised and resented, and we tell ourselves this is what life is, this is what I deserve, this is what people do, this is the best I can be.
We attempt to heal the memory of imperfect love by elevating the imperfection to a rule, and then living according to it. We are seduced by two very attractive fallacies: first, if we imitate them, they will finally accept us; second, if we become like them, then it must be that they were not so bad after all–and the hurt they did could not have been so serious.
The whole theory might seem damning at first, but there is hope: invisible loyalties thrive as long as they remain unconscious, unquestioned and unchallenged; however, once we become conscious of this unconscious process, we can also consciously choose to act differently. We can acknowledge that these attitudes and behaviors do not serve us well in all circumstances, and we can choose to try something different.
An important part of this process is to make peace with our attachment figures in the present: to appreciate that sometimes, in some ways, they loved us well—and to accept that at other times, in other ways, they failed to. Just like us, our attachment figures are imperfect, damaged human beings. They do not benefit from our idealization or our idolization; however, they can benefit from our authentic compassion: they can benefit from our ability to see, accept, and positively regard them for who they are—and our willingness to forgive them for sometimes failing to be who we want and expect them to be.
We let go of invisible loyalties—and their dysfunctional consequences in our lives and relationships—by developing cultivating visible loyalty. Or, more accurately, voluntary loyalty. The process of enacting voluntary loyalty looks different for different people, but they include a few of the same basic insights. Our attachment figures are not perfect. Along the way, in the past and in the present, we were the victims of their imperfection. Neither their imperfection, nor our victimhood, need define us now, or determine our choices. We can love them, we can appreciate them, we can accept them, but we do not need to accept their burdens. We can choose to love ourselves well now, even if we were not loved well before.
The defining quality of an invisible loyalty is not that the quality or behavior is detrimental, but rather, that it is compulsory. Very often, in the right quantity and the right context, the quality or behavior that composes an invisible loyalty could be benign, or even useful: for example, emotional detachment can become isolating if it is enacted in all circumstances, but it can be useful during crisis situations or when making difficult decisions; chronic self-criticism often begets intrapersonal and intrapsychic distress, but in small and controlled doses it can generate determination, and propel achievement; over-confidence can be attractive in some contexts, and irritating or even dangerous in others. Pretty much any quality or behavior you can name is adaptive sometimes—and easily becomes maladaptive when it feels out of our control.
Once invisible loyalties are discovered, it can be easy to stew in anger or resentment toward attachment figures: after all, they made our lives hard when we were little, and now, even after we have escaped their direct influence, their problematic qualities and behavior continue to plague us, compelling us down the same, miserable paths we were dragged down before. However, blaming others, even if it is well-placed, is a disempowering position: what is empowering, is taking responsibility for our behavior, and recognizing that we have options that we may not have previously considered. We can acknowledge and be grateful for the situations when our invisible loyalties have been adaptive and yielded favorable results—and when they do not serve us well, we can consciously choose to try something different.
Why We Imitate The Imperfect Love We Received — And How To Choose Different Faqs
When we grow up in environments shaped by emotional patterns like avoidance, criticism, or inconsistent affection, those early experiences often influence how we relate to others as adults. Often, we don’t even realize we’re repeating the same relationship behaviors we once found painful. Family counseling can help us recognize these patterns and make active choices to build healthier, more supportive relationships. At Lindsey Hoskins & Associates, our therapists work closely with individuals, couples, and families to identify cycles and begin shifting toward change through Silver Spring, MD family counseling.
What Is Family Counseling And How Can It Help Us Heal Unhealthy Patterns?
Family counseling creates a space where we can explore past and present relationship dynamics with support. This kind of therapy isn’t just for families in crisis—it’s often most helpful when we want to understand long-standing habits in how we relate to one another. At our practice, sessions are structured to build awareness around communication, roles, and emotional reactions. We work together to uncover what’s been modeled to us and begin choosing new ways to interact that reflect mutual respect and care. Alternative phrases like relational therapy or emotional support therapy also describe this kind of healing approach.
Why Do I Keep Repeating The Same Relationship Issues I Saw In My Parents?
We often fall into old relationship patterns without realizing it, simply because they feel familiar—even when they create stress or emotional pain. If we grew up watching conflict go unresolved or love expressed conditionally, we might default to those behaviors without realizing it. These habits form early and become automatic. Counseling for relationship dynamics helps us look at the source of these patterns and decide how we want to approach connection differently. This process allows us to reflect instead of react and interrupt the cycle before it repeats again.
Can Family Counseling Help Break Cycles Of Emotional Dysfunction?
Yes, and it’s often the first step in doing so. When emotions were dismissed or misunderstood in our past, we might struggle to express them clearly or support them in others. Silver Spring family counseling helps you develop tools for emotional awareness, so you can respond in ways that are thoughtful and grounded. Sessions also offer a chance to work through unresolved issues that keep us tied to old pain. With time, we begin to show up in relationships with more intention and less reactivity. This is also sometimes referred to as interpersonal growth therapy.
How Do I Stop Copying The Toxic Love I Grew Up With?
We start by noticing the patterns that have been carried forward. It might be over-apologizing, avoiding conflict, or chasing after emotionally distant people. Once those patterns are identified, it’s possible to explore where they came from and what they were meant to protect you from. In family-based therapy, we look at how these behaviors developed and practice alternatives that support emotional safety and respect. Replacing survival strategies with chosen behaviors is a gradual process, but it builds real change.
What Are Signs We Are Imitating Our Family’s Unhealthy Relationship Habits?
For families that find themselves in repeated conflicts that feel too familiar or keep choosing the same types of difficult relationships, that’s often a clue. Other signs include feeling responsible for others’ emotions, shutting down during disagreements, or seeking approval in unhealthy ways. Couples and family therapy settings provide room to explore these patterns in a way that encourages honesty without blame. We can’t change what we don’t see—but once we do, we’re not stuck repeating it.
Beginning the healing process takes courage, and it often starts by asking honest questions about our past and the direction we want to take moving forward. Our family counseling Silver Spring, MD services offer structured, meaningful guidance to help us move toward more balanced and connected relationships. To learn more about how we support this work through emotionally focused therapy and communication coaching, reach out to our team. The providers at Lindsey Hoskins & Associates can help you build something different.